Who Would Win Bruce Nolan vs Micheal Newman?
“All human power is a compound of time and patience”
- Honore De Balzac
Bruce Nolan, the human turned god of Bruce Almighty.
Micheal Newman, the regular guy given the power of time at a Click of a button.
Sometimes in life we take a step back and realize that we’re just insignificant little specks in the universe who can’t change anything… But what if we did? What if some ordinary guy got the power of god and used it to whatever selfish desire they wanted? Well with enough vague guidance from an angel and a god, they’ll shape up into truly good people and become truly happy with their lives. But for now, let’s take love out of the equation and see which one of these two gods among men would win in a fight!
Background
Bruce Nolan
“I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!”
Bruce Nolan was a mild man noted reporter who had his eyes set on a brand new smokin promotion, but unfortunately for him, his rival Evan Baxter got in his way and stole that position form him, adding more fuel to the fire of his general negativity as he felt that his home life was becoming stale and annoying with his dog’s bathroom behavior.
He saw life as cruel and unusual to him and swore out God himself being the root of his problems, he would later be proven that to be a huge mistake… or was it?
You see he later met God himself in the Morgan Freeman flesh and spoke to him about his problems, leading to God letting Bruce take over his job for a few days while he goes on vacation. Bruce would think nothing of this for a while but then realize how real the situation was, starting with smaller powers he then realized he can literally do whatever he wants and proceeds to use them in the best ways he sees fit… selfishly.
Bruce got his promotion by embarrassing his coworker and getting some arrested, along with causing life threatening disasters to occur and spawn a monkey up a guy’s butt. But while this is all happening he also loses sight of the person he loves most and makes her feel like nothing, especially when he accidentally cheats on her by getting kissed by another woman.
But Bruce makes it his new effort to try and become a better person by actually listening to people’s prayers and trying to make Grace happy. Ending with him down on his kick yet again and hit by a truck, but this time he does get some divine intervention, and God allows him to come back for a second chance in life with Grace as a new man, a man who doesn’t need to be Almighty, but to be himself.
Micheal Newman
Micheal Newman is your standard architect, going to his day to day job with a jerky boss and constant reminders how much better secretaries his coworkers have, and going back home to his beautiful wife and children. But Micheal felt like if he just could go forward in time, then everything would be better… So what if he was allowed to test this theory?
Morty the (not very good at his job) Bed, Bath and Beyond employee of the “Beyond” section of the store gave Micheal a remote that would quite literally bend time itself to its users will.
Micheal at first used this for everyday activities that he wanted to go by faster but then things he actually enjoyed started getting messed up by the preferences mode that would automatically skip events in his life based on how many times he skips it.
This would become a major problem when he skips through years of his life when he gets a promotion and misses so much of his life and was replaced by a nothing version of himself with no character or personality, making his wife feel unsatisfied in their marriage and their kids acting out.
Constantly skipping past events in his life until he’s overweight, old, and practically on his deathbed. Not helping with his mental state falling apart because of Father’s passing away and his second self barely giving him the time of day in their last ever meeting, along with Morty apparently being the ghost of death itself??? (This movie was stupid.)
Micheal is skipped to his daughter’s wedding where he has to go to the hospital and can’t say goodbye to his family, so he forces his dying body out of the hospital and into the pouring rain to give his goodbye and sorry for missing their lives, leaving his life on the final note of their first date’s message that he kept forever.
“Forever and ever babe.”
But at the last second, Morty changes fate and let’s Micheal go back to the Bed, Bath and Beyond of the past to redo everything the right way, ending with Micheal throwing away the remote and letting himself live life in the present, no longer needed to live at a click of a button.
Arsenal
Bruce Nolan
Bruce owns a Saleen S7 that he later transmutates into a 1976 Nissan, one hell of a car to impress everyone nearby.
🦍
Going straight to his cringe compilation.
Bruce has skydiving gear to prepare himself for a great fall and a parachute.
As God, Bruce has to maintain the amount of prayers given on a daily basis and grant them in some form.
This can take many forms but Bruce mainly prefers a computer.
Bruce pulls out a gun to do a Clint Eastwood impression, likely wouldn’t actually use it but nice to own.
Micheal Newman
Micheal owns a 2000 Chevrolet Impala, he later owns a Cadillac Sixteen in the grim future.
From the “way beyond” section of Bed Bath and Beyond. Grants Micheal the power of time itself in the form of a universal remote.
It also cannot be lost or destroyed unless Micheal learned his lesson.
Abilities
Bruce Nolan
Bruce has several instances of using telekinesis to get what he wants; he can fire it as finger guns for a specific subject to attack.
Bruce has the power to light candles by moving his hands and light people on fire.
Turn a car on by saying so, Fire alarms, change the TV, etc.
He also in a deleted scene hacked his own car and made it malfunction.
Bruce can light up stars with nothing but a tap of his finger.
When clapping his hands together, he can turn on or off any electronic sources nearby.
He can also mess with the lights in the bathroom while making his wife more pleasurable.
Unclear if this is also just his telekinesis but it is likely that he could control wind anyways.
Bruce has the power to control several liquids like water, wine and soup. He can also transmute them into other fluids.
When Bruce’s career was in trouble, he mind controlled Evan Baxter into making a fool out of himself on live news.
God showed that he can teleport people across the world and Bruce himself teleported around his wife’s location to reconcile their love as well as where he met God.
Bruce also teleported clothes on a mannequin onto his own body, teleports behind this guy, and teleported car robbers into the back of a police car.
Slip and Slide
Bruce can make people very horny (this is his best win con fr fr)
Besides that he can also internally mess with people like giving them nose bleeds, changing personalities or creating monkeys inside of them.
God is completely invisible to Grace in the deleted scene for Bruce Almighty.
Gave a kid who prayed to be able to climb better the ability to do so, can upgrade people’s luck with a bunch winning the lottery all at once, and has made people taller.
He can hear anyone’s prayers.
Given that Bruce has the power of God, he has a very good control over animals and can summon them as well.
As well as manipulate them to do activities he wishes to such as proper bathroom manners or create formations of letters in the sky.
He also creates Bigfoot???
This is most prevalent in Evan Almighty.
Bruce has shown to have control over storms given his emotions (rain for sadness and storms for confidence) and can purposely control cloud formations.
Also offensively uses this as his wrath.
Straight up summons an asteroid out of nowhere when he thought his story got boring.
He also creates shooting stars while making out.
God in Evan Almighty showed that he can travel back with others to whatever time period he wishes.
Whatever he wants to happen… happens.
From water to wine, from broken car to new car, basically whatever he wants to transform can happen.
Bruce can create anything he wishes out of thin air, on his body or inside his own body.
Also can make entirely new kinds of plants, spoons, bodies, drugs, Bigfoot, and basically anything else.
Micheal Newman
With the universal remote, Micheal controls the very fabric of time itself.
With the click of a pause button, Micheal can freeze time to a standstill and manipulate the environment around him.
Micheal can slow down time to his advantage, usually will just look at boobs.
Whenever there’s a chore that Micheal doesn’t wanna do, he has the fast forward button to skip ahead of the problem at a quick rate. It also will tire out the subject that he is controlling based on how much motion they do during the fast forwarding. He also has the chapter system of fasting toward which can skip entire events.
Micheal can rewind events that happen to see them again, it does not affect Micheal himself or Morty.
Micheal can go back in time to witness past events in his own personal history, he cannot witness any that he was not there for.
Micheal can coexist with his autopilot variant, the autopilot Micheal exists to serve a single purpose and will do a mediocre job at anything else until the original purpose is completed and Micheal can take over.
Micheal can travel to any point in his life in an instant. Even somewhat beforehand when he can see his parents have se-
Can change his and presumably other’s skin tones to whatever color he wishes.
Can control the volume of anyone and display things on a TV like a baseball game to ignore the target.
Can translate any language he wants or change his and others.
Adam has control over various inputs like making people appear to him in widescreen or panorama.
Various Buttons
According to the closeup in the poster for the film, Micheal can immediately go to play golf, skip any body damage like hangovers, fast forward himself, only pause the age of a person, and delete things.
Precognition (kinda)
Micheal can see his whole life and events that happen within the life menu, kinda meaning he has a form of precognition.
Micheal has access to his life’s menu with the menu button. It allows him to skip to any point in his life, go to bonus features, and even skip to the credits.
After Micheal dies and learns his lesson, he awakens back to the Bed Bath and Beyond before he even found the remote.
Feats
Bruce Nolan
Overall
Strength
Creates a city wide storm (10.3 Megatons)
Summons a massive asteroid (1.92 Petatons or Continent)
Lassoed the moon and pulled it forwards (170.25 Yottatons or Large Planet)
Erases a star (Star)
Creates several stars (Star +)
Speed
Bruce types really fast (Mach 139.16 or Massively Hypersonic)
Goes from Buffalo to the Empire State Building in seconds (if we assume 5 seconds, Mach 352.08)
Durability
Survived a car crash while in his mortal form (9.3 Joules)
Got hit by a truck at high speeds (34.1 Kilojoules)
Micheal Newman
Overall
Comparable to his wife’s new husband in the balls a bunch (15.21 Tons of TNT)
His boss tanked a slap that’s comparable to a freight train (67.16 Tons of TNT for 3)
Strength
Damage is multiplied when time is frozen (3,745,516.8 Times)
Shattered a glass wall by moving into it when he was fat (72.49 Joules)
Kicked his wife’s new husband in the balls a bunch (5.07 Tons of TNT)
His slaps are compared to a freight train (22.38 Tons of TNT)
Lifted and twirled around a retail worker (701.873 Kilotons of TNT if he stopped time)
(This is very dumb)
Speed
Went across a Bed, Bath, and Beyond in (guessing) 5 minutes (~Mach 1.33)
If he did it in 1 minute (~Mach 2.3)
If he did it between the time he left the worker and jump cutted to a different section of the store (~Mach 40.10)
Durability
Survived slamming into a glass wall when he was fat (72.49 Joules)
Broke a table by falling on it (1.1 Megajoule)
Weaknesses
Bruce Nolan
Asshole
Cannot affect free will
Cannot say he is God
Has to read through and accept prayers
Still has relatively human durability
Micheal Newman
Asshole
Familial issues
Autopilot Micheal is not great at accomplishing things outside of his main goal
Just a regular guy without the remote
Oddly transphobic?
Summary
Bruce Nolan
Advantages:
Takes the stat trinity with relative ease
Hax stomps
Can also time travel
Can remove Micheal’s fingers or any way to press buttons
Could make Michael orgasm with powers I guess
Has so many ways of just killing Micheal without really needing to do much
Disadvantages:
Less intelligent
Bruce cannot negate the time abilities themselves
Bruce cannot destroy the remote
Less Durable
Micheal could likely kill him if he can pause in time
Micheal Newman
Advantages:
Could kill Bruce if he got off the pause button
Smarter
More Durable
Better time abilities than Bruce
Fast Forward would tire Bruce out
Resurrection if he learned his lesson
Disadvantages:
- Weaker
- Slower
- Most of his abilities aren’t useful
- If it comes down to God vs Morty then like…
- Worse movie lmao
Verdict
Team Bruce
Drhippotime
So like… yeah.
Bruce wins this.
There is quite literally no scenario where he isn’t winning this.
All of Micheal’s wincons are if he can pull off a time stop or resurrect, the issue being that neither of these are happening.
Micheal’s reserection is directly tied to if he learned his lesson or not which he can’t do in this situation, and the time stop isn’t happening because Bruce is like millions of times faster.
That’s pretty much it, Bruce can just blink and Micheal dies in an extremely brutal way.
The End lmao.
Team Micheal
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
The Votes
Team Bruce (3)- Drhippotime, Niko, MrDylan
Team Micheal (2)- The Garfield Guy, Doritto
Winner
The Winner is Bruce Almighty!
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